During my last therapy session, my therapist and I talked about a few ED symptoms of mine that have started to creep up and the present, but non-active urge to self-harm. She underlined my ability to use the coping skills we’ve talked about (well, the skills we’ve beaten to death with how many times we talk about them) over the past nearly 26 months I’ve been working with her. During the sessions, I can always see exactly what I need to do and how I can get through various situations; however, in that moment, I feel like I don’t know what to do.
I think one the hardest parts of recovery for me is right now. I need to take what I’ve learned, apply it to my life, and trust that everything will be okay. Sometimes I’m afraid of doing well. I mean, what if I was to relapse after being in a really good place? Or feel unworthy of good things? Or slip back into my depression…….and the excuses go on and on and on. But I have to take initiative in my own life. I can’t let my life be ruined by this disease any more. So why is it so hard?
I don’t want to say I’ve become dependent on therapy; I know for a fact I’m not. Maybe it’s the uncertainty and hesitancy I have in making solid choices for myself and knowing that they are okay, even if they turn out to be a mistake. Maybe I’m having a hard time letting go of the fear of being wrong (which is something I thought I had worked with through yoga, but apparently I still have room to grow). I find it hard to take ownership of my life at times. I’ve been told by so many, family/society/religion/friends, how to live my life. So any step towards making choices for myself is HUGE. My newly dyed hair: all mine. My recovery tattoo: for me. These are some things I have done.
So back to applying recovery to my life. Yes, I am technically doing what I should (most of the time). I am eating, not pushing myself, staying positive, and not cutting. So why am I stuck in the circle of relapse and recovery? I’m starting to think it’s because I haven’t let myself (a) grieved the fact that I’ve suffered with so much at such a young age, (b) acknowledged how far I have come and given myself credit for all the hard work I put in, and (c) risked dedicating myself too much to recovery for fear of relapsing.
So where do I go from here? I’m switching from weekly therapy to every other week. I’m making efforts to eat and stay hydrated. I’m scared of what will happen these next two months (they always turn out the hardest of the twelve for me), but I’m willing to take the risk. To chase after recovery with every that I’ve got. To let myself live a recovered life instead of wanting to live one. To use the skills I’ve learned in therapy and apply them to my life. To know that bad things may happen, but good things can happen too. And to know that through it all, my life, my happiness, and my well-being are worth it.