Togetherwer

xbeautifulvulnerabilityx:

I have suffered with an eating disorder since 2006. And my mentality was like this: At my very core, I just knew that I was less than dirt, and didn’t deserve to eat (sign of self-care, compassion, love, acceptance, and happiness). At my worst, it wasn’t about anything anymore. I wasn’t…

note to self: cheese and crackers is not a lunch.

I’ve been working on eating (and trying to do it as best as I can is hard at times) since Lent started.  But I always come up with excuses as to why I can’t eat or why I can’t eat as healthily as I should. My therapist and I talked about the need for me to take ownership of my eating and ensure that I get what I need so that I can get off Ensure (punny I know, i had to throw it in there…) We planned that I would write up a grocery list so that I had a game plan and wouldn’t walk around the fact that I’m not eating like I should.  But at the beginning of the week, my mom went without my knowledge and I justified my poor eating because “I didn’t know and so I don’t have the food I want to eat.”  Then, this morning my mom was getting ready to head out on errands when she mentioned going to the grocery store again.  I struggled to mention that I needed things, and then when I finally did, my mom shut them down and wasn’t a fan of getting them.  I asked for nuts and dried fruit to make the nut mixture my therapist always gives me during sessions and she wasn’t a fan.  So I short-changed my list with only the nut mixture stuff because she was putting up a fight about not wanting to get a lot.  I don’t know how to stand up and say that I need this food for my health.  I’m eating sparingly but I know i can’t survive on my Greek yogurt (which we ran out of and who knows if she’ll get it at the store) and the few other things I let myself have.  Now i’m just waiting to see what she brings home and planning something off of that for my meals….hopefully.

togetherwer:

Today I gave a talk on the difference between a diet and an eating disorder at lunches and had a turnout of around 60 people. It meant a lot that I was able to do it. A lot of people were honest and shared stories and two cents, helping making this talk such a great success. I had so many people…

so the past two days have been pretty rough.  today should be an easier day but we’ll see how things play out.  on a positive note, i am giving a speech for NEDAwareness Week at my school during lunches to create awareness on the difference between a diet and an eating disorder.  I’ll let you know how many people show up.

my day has been crazy.  the past two days have been crazy.  yesterday I already ranted about so you can read that post on my blog below.  but today was just a tiny bit better, still pretty bad.  

i had a hectic day at school which just threw me off.  and then after school my game plan was attend the mandatory meeting for Friday’s talent show I am in and then race to work, where surely it would be a slow night.  At the talent show run through, i didn’t do too hot, but i didn’t think it was too bad.  i was just so out of it and worried and trapped in negative thoughts that I couldn’t really tell. but then i just got a message on facebook from another girl in my act who said she can’t believe i just stopped during the performance (I have no recollection doing that) and totally messed it up. she told me that i need to run through it basically a million times by friday.  so i wrote up the order of the irish dance and sent it to her, making sure i was right in my reasoning.  i’m still waiting to hear back but it was just an annoying and really frazzling message to get. 

then, work canceled on me which should have been a good thing but i was already worked up about getting there after the show so i was literally dying in my car.  i had run off stage after performing and then rushed to my car to drive (which probably would’ve been speeding if i hadn’t gotten the text saying i didn’t need to come in.)  i was sick from running and pushing myself and felt nauseous.  it wasn’t fun :(  then i called my madre on the way home (who just freaked out at me yesterday so there is tension between us) to let her know work canceled.  she said that was great because they invited the grandparents over.  so it was dinner and a show (that I was okay and not completely frazzled.)

i feel blah right now.  tell me, why do i have to be superwoman and do everything?